Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others,even to the dull and ignorant;they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;they are vexatious to the spirit.If you compare yourself with others,you may become vain or bitter,for always there will begreater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.Keep interested in your own careerhowever humble;it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,for the world is full of trickery.But let this not blind youto what virtue there is;many persons strive for high ideals,and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.Especially do not feign affection.Neither be cynical about love,for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,gracefully surrendering the things of youth.Nurture strength of spiritto shield you in sudden misfortune.But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,be gentle with yourself.You are a child of the universeno less than the trees and the stars;you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.Therefore, be at peace with God,whatever you conceive Him to be.And whatever your labors and aspirations,in the noisy confusion of life,keep peace in your soul.With all its sham,drudgery, and broken dreams,it is still a beautiful world.Be cheerful.Strive to be happy.
by Max Ehrmann©1927 (renewed) Bell & Son Publishing, LLC Reprinted with permission.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Depression, Obsession and Defeat: Finding the beauty in life again
"Life is full of beauty. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams."
-Ashley Smith
This quote should be tattooed on some peoples foreheads. Life is a precious gift. Life is like a gemini. It has two personalities. There is good and evil in everything associated with life. People are ruined in todays societies because of their needs for material things.
These needs carry out evil and yet at the same time they make people happy. Speaking from experience I can honestly say that everyone has the potential to see the beauty in every living organisim. However, the path to that achievement might be paved with hardship, loss, hatred, and sacrifice. In todays world we are more spoiled than people were a hundred years ago. Of course with the spoils comes the sours.
Obsession, Addicition, Lies, and Deciet are the sours. Addicition to alcohol, drugs, and even (my own personal addiction) cigarettes lead to nothing good. Lies only hurt yourself, when you tell so many of them they began having a bit of truth and soon you cant tell them apart from the actual truth. Deciet of family and friends only make you live a lonely life. The worst amongst all these things is obsession. I know a lot of this doesn't make sense probably, but I have a valid reason to write about it all.
My life use to be made up of things similar to this. When my husband and I got married we were both obsessed to jump in and have everything our friends had. We bought a new home, a new car, had to have a church wedding; just everything had to be perfect and we had to have it right then. Do you know what happened next? We got knocked on our asses. We lost everything we had, and I mean everything. No home, no car, nothing. However, this wasn't everything fate had in mind for us. Only a few months after losing everything we got on our feet again. We got a used pick-up truck and an apartment and at two-thirty one morning we learned we were going to have a baby. Life was picking back up for us again. We became cocky and started to self-indulge on the things we didn't really even need. I bragged to my inlaws that I was going to have their first grandbaby. Guess what? It didn't happen. After about a month of me thinking I was pregnant I was finally able to get to the doctor. He done the exam and set me up for blood work and even gave me a due date; November 10th 2001. Only thing he didn't do that day was an ultrasound. Two weeks later I went for my ultrasound to hear the heartbeat. Excited, scared, and overjoyed I already had our apartment full of baby items. We even had names picked out. However, fate knocked us back off that pedstal once again. The ultrasound showed there was no baby at all. There never had been a baby. My body was giving the blood and urine tests false postives. Much to our despair fate did not let up on us after that. Depression began to kick in. We lost a lot of our friends becasue they couldn't understand why I didn't want to be around children. Especially babies. That same year in the month of November two of my friends and my cousin (who is like a sister to me) gave birth. I couldn't even get out of bed. I cried for days. I cussed God, my husband, even my family. I wanted no one or nothing near me. I lost all faith and wanted to die. Death seemed to be a "get out of jail free card" for me. I would sit there and stare at nothing and think about the different ways I could kill myself.
However, when the hurt and the pain weakened and I was able to function better I made a laughing joke one night to my husband. "Things can't possibly get any worse." That was the wrong thing to say. They can and they did. A few months later we lost everything again, this time even the jobs we had, our home, our animals, all of it. We moved in with my parents. We got on our feet again and bought us a trailer. A few weeks before it was ready to be moved to some land his parents owned Kevin got sick. He went into the hospital and I thought I was going to lose him for a few days. All because of a test malfunction. They had told me there was a blood clot on his lung. They shipped him to Paducah and kept him for over a week. Only to find out that the trouble he was having was from a condition known as sleep apnea. He had lost too much oxygen and it had nothing to do with any kind of blood clot. After that whole ordeal was over we did manage to move and unfortunately it only lasted a few short months until we were living with parents again, broke and lost it all.
For the past three years we were lucky until October. My husband has gained weight (for no reason, he is not a large eater), his sleep apnea is not any better, and his legs have started gaining so much fluid that his calves swell up twice their size and drains. He is currently trying to get disablity and hopefully we will know soon. However, this also means that the income we were use to is no longer there and its making things very hard. We are on the verge of losing everything one more time.
I know you are probably thinking why should you care. And your right you shouldn't . I just want you to see how hard life has been towards us. Because what has kept me breathing and kept me from crawling into that large hole we know as depression is one thing: no matter how bad you have it, there is someone some where who has had it worse. For me that person was my mother.
My mother is a kidney transplant patient. She has struggled from the time she was eight years old to stay alive. We have come close to losing her several times. She is my rock. No matter how bad things get for me I look at everything she has gone through, and while she might not have a lot to show for her life, you know no great accomplishments, she did manage one thing and that was to stay here and fight to have a life. Once I began thinking about her battle just to be hear and everything she does for everyone I knew I needed help. Therapy works wonders. I no longer look at suicide and think its my "get out of jail free card" anymore. I am thankful for everything I dont have. I am not obsessed with material things. I dont have new designer label purses, new clothes, a new house, or even a new car. The only thing I want for the rest of my life I have right now. My husband, my dogs, and my family. Now I would say friends, but friends never stick around when you need them. At least none of mine did. I am thankful that everyday I can come here and write to everyone and know that someone out there might share these things with me or just to know that someone out there likes to read what I have to say or right. This blog entry is a little out there for me, but I have my reasons for writing it. I almost lost someone last night who is fighting a battle that will never end and I thought I could use this time to help me get over what happened and reach out to everyone else so they can know, that no matter what happens there is beauty in every living thing. No matter how bad your life gets you can still break free from the chains it places on you. Nothing is worth giving up your life for. Notice the wind blowing through your hair. Notice the beauty in the songs birds sing. Most of all don't look at what life has taken away from you, just be happy and embrace what it is that you do have. Live each day to its fullest. When something brings you down figure out what makes you happy and be with that person or do that thing and get happy. Life is too precious to take for granted. God (what ever you concieve him to be) put you here for a reason. Find that reason and be proud that it was chosen for you. Be proud of who you are and know that you have the potential to have the most satisfying life there is. Enjoy every minute you have to walk this earth and love every person even your enemies. There is a reason for everything. Find yours and fullfill it. Just strive to be happy.
-Ashley Smith
This quote should be tattooed on some peoples foreheads. Life is a precious gift. Life is like a gemini. It has two personalities. There is good and evil in everything associated with life. People are ruined in todays societies because of their needs for material things.
These needs carry out evil and yet at the same time they make people happy. Speaking from experience I can honestly say that everyone has the potential to see the beauty in every living organisim. However, the path to that achievement might be paved with hardship, loss, hatred, and sacrifice. In todays world we are more spoiled than people were a hundred years ago. Of course with the spoils comes the sours.
Obsession, Addicition, Lies, and Deciet are the sours. Addicition to alcohol, drugs, and even (my own personal addiction) cigarettes lead to nothing good. Lies only hurt yourself, when you tell so many of them they began having a bit of truth and soon you cant tell them apart from the actual truth. Deciet of family and friends only make you live a lonely life. The worst amongst all these things is obsession. I know a lot of this doesn't make sense probably, but I have a valid reason to write about it all.
My life use to be made up of things similar to this. When my husband and I got married we were both obsessed to jump in and have everything our friends had. We bought a new home, a new car, had to have a church wedding; just everything had to be perfect and we had to have it right then. Do you know what happened next? We got knocked on our asses. We lost everything we had, and I mean everything. No home, no car, nothing. However, this wasn't everything fate had in mind for us. Only a few months after losing everything we got on our feet again. We got a used pick-up truck and an apartment and at two-thirty one morning we learned we were going to have a baby. Life was picking back up for us again. We became cocky and started to self-indulge on the things we didn't really even need. I bragged to my inlaws that I was going to have their first grandbaby. Guess what? It didn't happen. After about a month of me thinking I was pregnant I was finally able to get to the doctor. He done the exam and set me up for blood work and even gave me a due date; November 10th 2001. Only thing he didn't do that day was an ultrasound. Two weeks later I went for my ultrasound to hear the heartbeat. Excited, scared, and overjoyed I already had our apartment full of baby items. We even had names picked out. However, fate knocked us back off that pedstal once again. The ultrasound showed there was no baby at all. There never had been a baby. My body was giving the blood and urine tests false postives. Much to our despair fate did not let up on us after that. Depression began to kick in. We lost a lot of our friends becasue they couldn't understand why I didn't want to be around children. Especially babies. That same year in the month of November two of my friends and my cousin (who is like a sister to me) gave birth. I couldn't even get out of bed. I cried for days. I cussed God, my husband, even my family. I wanted no one or nothing near me. I lost all faith and wanted to die. Death seemed to be a "get out of jail free card" for me. I would sit there and stare at nothing and think about the different ways I could kill myself.
However, when the hurt and the pain weakened and I was able to function better I made a laughing joke one night to my husband. "Things can't possibly get any worse." That was the wrong thing to say. They can and they did. A few months later we lost everything again, this time even the jobs we had, our home, our animals, all of it. We moved in with my parents. We got on our feet again and bought us a trailer. A few weeks before it was ready to be moved to some land his parents owned Kevin got sick. He went into the hospital and I thought I was going to lose him for a few days. All because of a test malfunction. They had told me there was a blood clot on his lung. They shipped him to Paducah and kept him for over a week. Only to find out that the trouble he was having was from a condition known as sleep apnea. He had lost too much oxygen and it had nothing to do with any kind of blood clot. After that whole ordeal was over we did manage to move and unfortunately it only lasted a few short months until we were living with parents again, broke and lost it all.
For the past three years we were lucky until October. My husband has gained weight (for no reason, he is not a large eater), his sleep apnea is not any better, and his legs have started gaining so much fluid that his calves swell up twice their size and drains. He is currently trying to get disablity and hopefully we will know soon. However, this also means that the income we were use to is no longer there and its making things very hard. We are on the verge of losing everything one more time.
I know you are probably thinking why should you care. And your right you shouldn't . I just want you to see how hard life has been towards us. Because what has kept me breathing and kept me from crawling into that large hole we know as depression is one thing: no matter how bad you have it, there is someone some where who has had it worse. For me that person was my mother.
My mother is a kidney transplant patient. She has struggled from the time she was eight years old to stay alive. We have come close to losing her several times. She is my rock. No matter how bad things get for me I look at everything she has gone through, and while she might not have a lot to show for her life, you know no great accomplishments, she did manage one thing and that was to stay here and fight to have a life. Once I began thinking about her battle just to be hear and everything she does for everyone I knew I needed help. Therapy works wonders. I no longer look at suicide and think its my "get out of jail free card" anymore. I am thankful for everything I dont have. I am not obsessed with material things. I dont have new designer label purses, new clothes, a new house, or even a new car. The only thing I want for the rest of my life I have right now. My husband, my dogs, and my family. Now I would say friends, but friends never stick around when you need them. At least none of mine did. I am thankful that everyday I can come here and write to everyone and know that someone out there might share these things with me or just to know that someone out there likes to read what I have to say or right. This blog entry is a little out there for me, but I have my reasons for writing it. I almost lost someone last night who is fighting a battle that will never end and I thought I could use this time to help me get over what happened and reach out to everyone else so they can know, that no matter what happens there is beauty in every living thing. No matter how bad your life gets you can still break free from the chains it places on you. Nothing is worth giving up your life for. Notice the wind blowing through your hair. Notice the beauty in the songs birds sing. Most of all don't look at what life has taken away from you, just be happy and embrace what it is that you do have. Live each day to its fullest. When something brings you down figure out what makes you happy and be with that person or do that thing and get happy. Life is too precious to take for granted. God (what ever you concieve him to be) put you here for a reason. Find that reason and be proud that it was chosen for you. Be proud of who you are and know that you have the potential to have the most satisfying life there is. Enjoy every minute you have to walk this earth and love every person even your enemies. There is a reason for everything. Find yours and fullfill it. Just strive to be happy.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Nerves!!!!!!!
Okay, so today I am feeling a little anxiety. I am about to head to the post office to send off some of my short stories to different literary magazines. I just hope they are good enough to publish. I know I still have more to learn, but I am a rusher. I rush everything. I know that if I don't do it right away then I will never do it.
Kevin is being so supportive of this, and it is really sweet. I was doing some research last night and looked up only to see him staring at me. He says that he has never seen me look more happy when I am researching or writing.
Sometimes it becomes quite a challenge trying to do so many things at once. I try to do different writing exercises everyday to keep my creativity flowing, plus I am researching and writing my book, preparing what I am going to write in this blog, and coming up with short stories. Not to mention all the revising I am doing with all my previous work. How do you get it all organized? If there is an experienced writer out there please tell how I can get myself organized into doing things more productively!!!!!!!!!!! I have decided that till I get everything straightened out I will probably wing this blog for a while. I am still unsure of how I should go about posting my work, and how much I should be open about to all of you all about myself. (However, that should be easy to do since my life is basically an open book.)
I am trying to find something to help me relax and think better. Use to Pogo or Myspace helped but anymore when I am on either of them sites my obsessive-compulsive disorder takes over and before I know it I have been on there half the day and most of the night.
Buttercup let me know this morning that no matter how important I think writing is "she" must always come first. I realized this when I was sitting there on my bed doodling some notes to work with and she came over and laid down on them. She wouldn't moved until I brushed her hair. She is such a spoiled dog.
Anyways I guess that is about it for now. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I am so scared of being rejected and this is one of the first times I have ever done this. I hope you all have a nice day and thanks for reading.
P.S. I would love some feed back. Feel free to email me or comment on my work. ~Bye!
Mandy Ray Maples
Kevin is being so supportive of this, and it is really sweet. I was doing some research last night and looked up only to see him staring at me. He says that he has never seen me look more happy when I am researching or writing.
Sometimes it becomes quite a challenge trying to do so many things at once. I try to do different writing exercises everyday to keep my creativity flowing, plus I am researching and writing my book, preparing what I am going to write in this blog, and coming up with short stories. Not to mention all the revising I am doing with all my previous work. How do you get it all organized? If there is an experienced writer out there please tell how I can get myself organized into doing things more productively!!!!!!!!!!! I have decided that till I get everything straightened out I will probably wing this blog for a while. I am still unsure of how I should go about posting my work, and how much I should be open about to all of you all about myself. (However, that should be easy to do since my life is basically an open book.)
I am trying to find something to help me relax and think better. Use to Pogo or Myspace helped but anymore when I am on either of them sites my obsessive-compulsive disorder takes over and before I know it I have been on there half the day and most of the night.
Buttercup let me know this morning that no matter how important I think writing is "she" must always come first. I realized this when I was sitting there on my bed doodling some notes to work with and she came over and laid down on them. She wouldn't moved until I brushed her hair. She is such a spoiled dog.
Anyways I guess that is about it for now. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I am so scared of being rejected and this is one of the first times I have ever done this. I hope you all have a nice day and thanks for reading.
P.S. I would love some feed back. Feel free to email me or comment on my work. ~Bye!
Mandy Ray Maples
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Letting Go (Short Story)
Letting Go
By Mandy Ray Maples
It seemed just like every other Saturday to me. Fatigue still coveted my body and my muscles ached from the uncomfortable motel mattress. I rise up and sit on the edge of the bed. Stretching, I glance over at the man beside me sleeping. Who was he? I worry briefly about his name, but dismiss it since it was not important. I get up and creep about around the room gathering last night’s clothes before heading to the bathroom.
Once inside I look at the walls and feel an instant distaste in the décor. The room was decorated in dingy cream colors. It seemed like all motels were the same. I place the clothes on the sink, and then I reach to turn on the shower. Stepping under the warm cascade of water my muscles begin to loosen. I scold myself silently. Another man, another motel; how do I get myself in to these situations? A small, throbbing pain in my temples reminds me of the drinks from the night before. Too many memories always led to too many drinks. Last night was special; it was mine and Caleb’s anniversary. Or at least it would have been. Unfortunately, God had been unkind in taking him so quickly from me. There weren’t a lot of memories made in that year and a half we were together. Besides I felt them slipping away. It seemed weekends were the hardest. During the week I manage to work a lot, and don’t have the time to think about Caleb near as much. On weekends is when I have no one to talk to and nothing to do. So I begin trying to remember what he looked like, how he acted, things he would say…I just want to remember him and feel him with me again. I want him to hold me close and say things to make me blush. I want to look into them eyes. My God he had beautiful eyes. They were blue, pale blue like the sky on a clear afternoon. I shake my head to clear the thoughts but as the water fell upon my body so did the tears.
I didn’t want a relationship with anyone else, only Caleb. However, the nights were too lonely to handle. Clearing my thoughts and not wanting to wait any longer to leave I shut the water off. After drying off I took a moment to stare at my reflection in the mirror. I was still young, thirty to be exact. My blonde hair, when wet, fell well past my shoulders. Not until it started to dry did the ringlets form making me seem more like a Shirley Temple doll. My figure was average and my skin still smooth. However, the dark circles under my eyes made me look older than what I was.
After getting dressed, I go back into the room where my stranger was still asleep. I sit down on the edge of the bed and pull my shoes on. The room was chilly and I was happy that I had managed to wear something warm to the bar the night before. Pulling my hair back into a ponytail I made my way to the door. Once I was out in the hall I realized we were at a local motel that was only two blocks from my house. To the right was the hotel lobby and to my left was the side door. Being closer to the side door I rush to it. Walking as fast as I could to get out of there before someone seen me. That and I am too chicken to face the consequences of my actions and risk running into the sleeping stranger if closing the door had happen to wake him up.
As I push the side door open the cool October air hits me in the face and sending a chill through my body. It was odd how the weather seemed to be for this time of year. In this area of western Kentucky October was usually warm during the day and cool at night. However, at this rate I am almost certain that we will have a snow before long. It snowed on Halloween the year Caleb and I got married. It was unusually cold then too. I fight tears back as I cross the parking lot of the motel and head towards the road. Sidewalks were already covered with the beauty of fall colors provided by the fallen leaves. Deep rich hues of yellows and reds stood out while everything else began to look bleak. A horn blows in the distance. I jump afraid someone seen me coming from the motel. It isn’t long till I pass the gas station and see Caleb’s father sitting in the window reading the newspaper. He didn’t see me and I was thankful. I didn’t want to run into him on my way home after sleeping with a stranger. A stranger I was only using to replace his dead son.
A few minutes later I turn left at the corner of Cherry and Poplar. Not wanting to go home just yet I decide to visit my mother. I was only about half way down the street when I seen my mother outside in her robe talking with Ethel Stevens, the older lady that lived next door to them. As I get closer I capture their attention. Ethel waves and turn towards her house. Mom just stands there with her arms folded. When I get within hearing range she decides to speak. “Where have you been?” Question number one. I guess I should keep count to make sure she gets in her twenty questions.
“I have just been walking around.” I say in my defense. However, I know she is not stupid.
“Which motel are you coming from this morning?” That’s number two.
“Mom, don’t start on me.” I say rolling my eyes.
“Julie, what are you doing? It’s been two years. When are you going to stop doing what you are doing?” I look around and ignore the questions.
“Do we have to do this out here mom?” I ask feeling as though all the neighbors were staring out their windows at me and whispering. My mother stares at me for a moment and shakes her head and turns towards the house. I follow her up the steps onto the screened in front porch. She takes her usual seat on the swing and I take mine in the wooden glider my father made her for their tenth anniversary.
“Julie I am worried sick about you. This isn’t healthy. I know what you are doing. Aren’t you afraid of getting some disease? Getting Pregnant? Do you know anything about these men you are picking up?” She starts with her lecture, her voice raised slightly. “I know you don’t think people see you but they do. When I called you at eleven last night and got no answer I called Hannah. Do you remember Hannah? Your best friend for years, she said she hadn’t talked to you in over three months. She told me about the bar, which I already knew about. She knew what you were out doing, you have got problems. Julie you need some help sweetie. Hannah knew exactly where you were. Her brother Jeremy has been coming home telling everyone about how you act at the bar. Do you even know their names when you go back to the motel with them? Do you remember waking up next to Jeremy last month? He said you were gone before he got up. That you both had stayed the night at the Brinkley Inn over on second, he said you called him Caleb all night. Hannah is furious with both of you.”
She was up to ten questions now. Which made me happy, it meant my visit and lecture would end soon. “I’m a grown woman, mother. Don’t worry about me.”
“Do not talk to me like I am a moron. Julie you need to stop it now. Do you know what you are doing to your reputation? Don’t you care what others think about you? Or what they say about you behind your back?”
“NO I DON’T CARE!” I shout at her. “I don’t give a shit about anyone’s opinion. I don’t care what they say behind my back, and I don’t give a damn if I get some sort of disease. I don’t care about anything anymore. All I want and all I have wanted for the past two years is Caleb. I want Caleb. I want the life I had with him. Now I came here to spend a pleasant morning with you but you seem to be hell-bent on making that impossible.” I stand up and stomp to the doorway of the porch.
“Julie, don’t you walk away from here mad.” My mother ordered. “I am not done talking to you. We are going to talk about this till I am satisfied.”
I turn around too pissed off to think straight and I glare at her. “You have seven more to go. Do it quick.” I say then smirk. “You’ve asked thirteen questions so far, so finish up with your final seven.”
There is a long pause. “It’s not healthy to play with fire Julie. You will get burned.” My mother finally said. “I am worried about you. Why do you do it? Why do you find it necessary to wake up in another man’s bed?” I stare at her. Sometimes when I look at her I think we could pass for twins. She was still young too. Almost fifty years old and had the same golden locks I had. I want her to mind her own business.
“I am leaving now, mother. You have asked me fifteen questions. That’s more than enough. No more questions. Do you understand me? No more questions. This is my life, my mistakes, my way of getting over him.”
“You’re not getting over him. You’re hanging on to him. I want to help you. Your father and I want to get you some help.” Her interruption only made me angrier.
“I don’t want your help. If you don’t like the way I am living my life then don’t be part of it. I am tired of hearing about it. I am tired of all your lectures and calling around checking on me. I have to wake up in another mans bed, because I don’t want to wake up in mine and Caleb’s alone. I am sorry you don’t understand that, but there is nothing I can or want to do about it. Goodbye!” With that I walked off the porch and down the street in the direction of my house. I heard her call after me but I ignored it.
The rest of the way home I didn’t notice anything about the neighborhood, I didn’t notice the cool air, or the passing neighbors who said good morning. All I could think about was the past memories of all the men I had used. There had been so many. Some had Caleb’s smile, other’s had his dark features, but most of them had those same blue eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes with the lines that fanned out around them as he smiled. The ones that made you melt with on look.
When I got home I locked the door behind me and went straight to the bedroom. Only stopping briefly to fix myself a drink, straight vodka was my choice this morning. When I reached the bedroom, I took the shoebox out from underneath my bed. It was what I kept all of his pictures and wedding ring in. Taking the rings from the small envelope I slipped them on my finger. The cool medal slid down easily. They were looser than I remembered. I began to cry again. I cried all the time. I hadn’t smiled once since I lost him. I don’t think I could smile even if I tried. Before looking at the pictures I retrieve the bottle of nerve pills prescribed by the doctor. I don’t remember how many to take. The bottles label had long since worn off. Filling my hand full of the small white pills I take them, washing them down with the vodka. If it’s too many it didn’t matter. Whatever got me closer to Caleb was the best thing to do. Taking the few pictures I had of him out of the box I begin to stare at him. His smile and how handsome he was. Oh god then there was his eyes. I hold the picture closer to me. I look at his beautiful blue…green eyes. His eyes were green. Why hadn’t I noticed it before? They were green with flickers of brown in them. What happened to the beautiful blue ones I remembered?
After several minutes of staring at the picture I lay it down beside me. I yawn, the pills are working. I secretly hope that I will not wake up from all of this. I had managed to lose my husband and now disowned my family. I had no one. I lie down on the soft mattress and hug the pillow. I prop his picture up and stared at it. I can’t believe I always thought his eyes were blue. I should have known they were green. Then the longer I watch the picture the more I realize I don’t remember anything about him, only about the men between that time in my life and now. Did I ever really remember anything about him? How could I forget him so easily? I yawn; I can’t believe he didn’t even have blue eyes. Suddenly I couldn’t think about him. My body felt lifeless and wary. I was relaxed and stayed that way till everything fell into the darkness. A darkness I would never find my way out of. I know that when I take my last breath I will be with him again. I have to believe it. It has to be true, because I was slipping. Slipping away into the darkness, into the world of the unknown, it was the only way I knew how to be with him again.
By Mandy Ray Maples
It seemed just like every other Saturday to me. Fatigue still coveted my body and my muscles ached from the uncomfortable motel mattress. I rise up and sit on the edge of the bed. Stretching, I glance over at the man beside me sleeping. Who was he? I worry briefly about his name, but dismiss it since it was not important. I get up and creep about around the room gathering last night’s clothes before heading to the bathroom.
Once inside I look at the walls and feel an instant distaste in the décor. The room was decorated in dingy cream colors. It seemed like all motels were the same. I place the clothes on the sink, and then I reach to turn on the shower. Stepping under the warm cascade of water my muscles begin to loosen. I scold myself silently. Another man, another motel; how do I get myself in to these situations? A small, throbbing pain in my temples reminds me of the drinks from the night before. Too many memories always led to too many drinks. Last night was special; it was mine and Caleb’s anniversary. Or at least it would have been. Unfortunately, God had been unkind in taking him so quickly from me. There weren’t a lot of memories made in that year and a half we were together. Besides I felt them slipping away. It seemed weekends were the hardest. During the week I manage to work a lot, and don’t have the time to think about Caleb near as much. On weekends is when I have no one to talk to and nothing to do. So I begin trying to remember what he looked like, how he acted, things he would say…I just want to remember him and feel him with me again. I want him to hold me close and say things to make me blush. I want to look into them eyes. My God he had beautiful eyes. They were blue, pale blue like the sky on a clear afternoon. I shake my head to clear the thoughts but as the water fell upon my body so did the tears.
I didn’t want a relationship with anyone else, only Caleb. However, the nights were too lonely to handle. Clearing my thoughts and not wanting to wait any longer to leave I shut the water off. After drying off I took a moment to stare at my reflection in the mirror. I was still young, thirty to be exact. My blonde hair, when wet, fell well past my shoulders. Not until it started to dry did the ringlets form making me seem more like a Shirley Temple doll. My figure was average and my skin still smooth. However, the dark circles under my eyes made me look older than what I was.
After getting dressed, I go back into the room where my stranger was still asleep. I sit down on the edge of the bed and pull my shoes on. The room was chilly and I was happy that I had managed to wear something warm to the bar the night before. Pulling my hair back into a ponytail I made my way to the door. Once I was out in the hall I realized we were at a local motel that was only two blocks from my house. To the right was the hotel lobby and to my left was the side door. Being closer to the side door I rush to it. Walking as fast as I could to get out of there before someone seen me. That and I am too chicken to face the consequences of my actions and risk running into the sleeping stranger if closing the door had happen to wake him up.
As I push the side door open the cool October air hits me in the face and sending a chill through my body. It was odd how the weather seemed to be for this time of year. In this area of western Kentucky October was usually warm during the day and cool at night. However, at this rate I am almost certain that we will have a snow before long. It snowed on Halloween the year Caleb and I got married. It was unusually cold then too. I fight tears back as I cross the parking lot of the motel and head towards the road. Sidewalks were already covered with the beauty of fall colors provided by the fallen leaves. Deep rich hues of yellows and reds stood out while everything else began to look bleak. A horn blows in the distance. I jump afraid someone seen me coming from the motel. It isn’t long till I pass the gas station and see Caleb’s father sitting in the window reading the newspaper. He didn’t see me and I was thankful. I didn’t want to run into him on my way home after sleeping with a stranger. A stranger I was only using to replace his dead son.
A few minutes later I turn left at the corner of Cherry and Poplar. Not wanting to go home just yet I decide to visit my mother. I was only about half way down the street when I seen my mother outside in her robe talking with Ethel Stevens, the older lady that lived next door to them. As I get closer I capture their attention. Ethel waves and turn towards her house. Mom just stands there with her arms folded. When I get within hearing range she decides to speak. “Where have you been?” Question number one. I guess I should keep count to make sure she gets in her twenty questions.
“I have just been walking around.” I say in my defense. However, I know she is not stupid.
“Which motel are you coming from this morning?” That’s number two.
“Mom, don’t start on me.” I say rolling my eyes.
“Julie, what are you doing? It’s been two years. When are you going to stop doing what you are doing?” I look around and ignore the questions.
“Do we have to do this out here mom?” I ask feeling as though all the neighbors were staring out their windows at me and whispering. My mother stares at me for a moment and shakes her head and turns towards the house. I follow her up the steps onto the screened in front porch. She takes her usual seat on the swing and I take mine in the wooden glider my father made her for their tenth anniversary.
“Julie I am worried sick about you. This isn’t healthy. I know what you are doing. Aren’t you afraid of getting some disease? Getting Pregnant? Do you know anything about these men you are picking up?” She starts with her lecture, her voice raised slightly. “I know you don’t think people see you but they do. When I called you at eleven last night and got no answer I called Hannah. Do you remember Hannah? Your best friend for years, she said she hadn’t talked to you in over three months. She told me about the bar, which I already knew about. She knew what you were out doing, you have got problems. Julie you need some help sweetie. Hannah knew exactly where you were. Her brother Jeremy has been coming home telling everyone about how you act at the bar. Do you even know their names when you go back to the motel with them? Do you remember waking up next to Jeremy last month? He said you were gone before he got up. That you both had stayed the night at the Brinkley Inn over on second, he said you called him Caleb all night. Hannah is furious with both of you.”
She was up to ten questions now. Which made me happy, it meant my visit and lecture would end soon. “I’m a grown woman, mother. Don’t worry about me.”
“Do not talk to me like I am a moron. Julie you need to stop it now. Do you know what you are doing to your reputation? Don’t you care what others think about you? Or what they say about you behind your back?”
“NO I DON’T CARE!” I shout at her. “I don’t give a shit about anyone’s opinion. I don’t care what they say behind my back, and I don’t give a damn if I get some sort of disease. I don’t care about anything anymore. All I want and all I have wanted for the past two years is Caleb. I want Caleb. I want the life I had with him. Now I came here to spend a pleasant morning with you but you seem to be hell-bent on making that impossible.” I stand up and stomp to the doorway of the porch.
“Julie, don’t you walk away from here mad.” My mother ordered. “I am not done talking to you. We are going to talk about this till I am satisfied.”
I turn around too pissed off to think straight and I glare at her. “You have seven more to go. Do it quick.” I say then smirk. “You’ve asked thirteen questions so far, so finish up with your final seven.”
There is a long pause. “It’s not healthy to play with fire Julie. You will get burned.” My mother finally said. “I am worried about you. Why do you do it? Why do you find it necessary to wake up in another man’s bed?” I stare at her. Sometimes when I look at her I think we could pass for twins. She was still young too. Almost fifty years old and had the same golden locks I had. I want her to mind her own business.
“I am leaving now, mother. You have asked me fifteen questions. That’s more than enough. No more questions. Do you understand me? No more questions. This is my life, my mistakes, my way of getting over him.”
“You’re not getting over him. You’re hanging on to him. I want to help you. Your father and I want to get you some help.” Her interruption only made me angrier.
“I don’t want your help. If you don’t like the way I am living my life then don’t be part of it. I am tired of hearing about it. I am tired of all your lectures and calling around checking on me. I have to wake up in another mans bed, because I don’t want to wake up in mine and Caleb’s alone. I am sorry you don’t understand that, but there is nothing I can or want to do about it. Goodbye!” With that I walked off the porch and down the street in the direction of my house. I heard her call after me but I ignored it.
The rest of the way home I didn’t notice anything about the neighborhood, I didn’t notice the cool air, or the passing neighbors who said good morning. All I could think about was the past memories of all the men I had used. There had been so many. Some had Caleb’s smile, other’s had his dark features, but most of them had those same blue eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes with the lines that fanned out around them as he smiled. The ones that made you melt with on look.
When I got home I locked the door behind me and went straight to the bedroom. Only stopping briefly to fix myself a drink, straight vodka was my choice this morning. When I reached the bedroom, I took the shoebox out from underneath my bed. It was what I kept all of his pictures and wedding ring in. Taking the rings from the small envelope I slipped them on my finger. The cool medal slid down easily. They were looser than I remembered. I began to cry again. I cried all the time. I hadn’t smiled once since I lost him. I don’t think I could smile even if I tried. Before looking at the pictures I retrieve the bottle of nerve pills prescribed by the doctor. I don’t remember how many to take. The bottles label had long since worn off. Filling my hand full of the small white pills I take them, washing them down with the vodka. If it’s too many it didn’t matter. Whatever got me closer to Caleb was the best thing to do. Taking the few pictures I had of him out of the box I begin to stare at him. His smile and how handsome he was. Oh god then there was his eyes. I hold the picture closer to me. I look at his beautiful blue…green eyes. His eyes were green. Why hadn’t I noticed it before? They were green with flickers of brown in them. What happened to the beautiful blue ones I remembered?
After several minutes of staring at the picture I lay it down beside me. I yawn, the pills are working. I secretly hope that I will not wake up from all of this. I had managed to lose my husband and now disowned my family. I had no one. I lie down on the soft mattress and hug the pillow. I prop his picture up and stared at it. I can’t believe I always thought his eyes were blue. I should have known they were green. Then the longer I watch the picture the more I realize I don’t remember anything about him, only about the men between that time in my life and now. Did I ever really remember anything about him? How could I forget him so easily? I yawn; I can’t believe he didn’t even have blue eyes. Suddenly I couldn’t think about him. My body felt lifeless and wary. I was relaxed and stayed that way till everything fell into the darkness. A darkness I would never find my way out of. I know that when I take my last breath I will be with him again. I have to believe it. It has to be true, because I was slipping. Slipping away into the darkness, into the world of the unknown, it was the only way I knew how to be with him again.
Untitled (Poetry)
Beautifully broken,
With hidden tears,
Tuning out the voices,
That has screams at me through my fears.
Forget that I am human,
Even for the day,
Forget that I have feelings
And I might actually go away.
Dont remember my name,
Forget my face
For I am nothing and
I don't deserve a place.
Society has standards
That I cant meet
Theres no joy in my eyes
My pain is very deep.
My soul aches for you to notice
My lips have the same desire to be kissed
However, even in death
I should not be missed.
I will never have a true love
I will never be set free
My pain is quite real
Deep inside me.
I may not be who you want me to be
I dont believe whats in myself
So why dont you
Just forget about me.
With hidden tears,
Tuning out the voices,
That has screams at me through my fears.
Forget that I am human,
Even for the day,
Forget that I have feelings
And I might actually go away.
Dont remember my name,
Forget my face
For I am nothing and
I don't deserve a place.
Society has standards
That I cant meet
Theres no joy in my eyes
My pain is very deep.
My soul aches for you to notice
My lips have the same desire to be kissed
However, even in death
I should not be missed.
I will never have a true love
I will never be set free
My pain is quite real
Deep inside me.
I may not be who you want me to be
I dont believe whats in myself
So why dont you
Just forget about me.
Introduction To My Writing
Hello Everyone!
This is a brief introduction to my writings and to the way I write. My poetry you will find is often dark and a little self-loathing. I usually write my poetry in some of my darkest moments. This is a little bit the same with my short stories. I am an avid romance reader and writer, but just like everyone nothing beats a dark thriller or something dark in general. I really hope you enjoy everything I write for you to read. With this note I will close and hope everyone has a great and wonderful day.
Mandy Ray Maples
This is a brief introduction to my writings and to the way I write. My poetry you will find is often dark and a little self-loathing. I usually write my poetry in some of my darkest moments. This is a little bit the same with my short stories. I am an avid romance reader and writer, but just like everyone nothing beats a dark thriller or something dark in general. I really hope you enjoy everything I write for you to read. With this note I will close and hope everyone has a great and wonderful day.
Mandy Ray Maples
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