Depression, Obsession and Defeat: Finding the beauty in life again

"Life is full of beauty. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams."
-Ashley Smith

This quote should be tattooed on some peoples foreheads. Life is a precious gift. Life is like a gemini. It has two personalities. There is good and evil in everything associated with life. People are ruined in todays societies because of their needs for material things.
These needs carry out evil and yet at the same time they make people happy. Speaking from experience I can honestly say that everyone has the potential to see the beauty in every living organisim. However, the path to that achievement might be paved with hardship, loss, hatred, and sacrifice. In todays world we are more spoiled than people were a hundred years ago. Of course with the spoils comes the sours.
Obsession, Addicition, Lies, and Deciet are the sours. Addicition to alcohol, drugs, and even (my own personal addiction) cigarettes lead to nothing good. Lies only hurt yourself, when you tell so many of them they began having a bit of truth and soon you cant tell them apart from the actual truth. Deciet of family and friends only make you live a lonely life. The worst amongst all these things is obsession. I know a lot of this doesn't make sense probably, but I have a valid reason to write about it all.
My life use to be made up of things similar to this. When my husband and I got married we were both obsessed to jump in and have everything our friends had. We bought a new home, a new car, had to have a church wedding; just everything had to be perfect and we had to have it right then. Do you know what happened next? We got knocked on our asses. We lost everything we had, and I mean everything. No home, no car, nothing. However, this wasn't everything fate had in mind for us. Only a few months after losing everything we got on our feet again. We got a used pick-up truck and an apartment and at two-thirty one morning we learned we were going to have a baby. Life was picking back up for us again. We became cocky and started to self-indulge on the things we didn't really even need. I bragged to my inlaws that I was going to have their first grandbaby. Guess what? It didn't happen. After about a month of me thinking I was pregnant I was finally able to get to the doctor. He done the exam and set me up for blood work and even gave me a due date; November 10th 2001. Only thing he didn't do that day was an ultrasound. Two weeks later I went for my ultrasound to hear the heartbeat. Excited, scared, and overjoyed I already had our apartment full of baby items. We even had names picked out. However, fate knocked us back off that pedstal once again. The ultrasound showed there was no baby at all. There never had been a baby. My body was giving the blood and urine tests false postives. Much to our despair fate did not let up on us after that. Depression began to kick in. We lost a lot of our friends becasue they couldn't understand why I didn't want to be around children. Especially babies. That same year in the month of November two of my friends and my cousin (who is like a sister to me) gave birth. I couldn't even get out of bed. I cried for days. I cussed God, my husband, even my family. I wanted no one or nothing near me. I lost all faith and wanted to die. Death seemed to be a "get out of jail free card" for me. I would sit there and stare at nothing and think about the different ways I could kill myself.
However, when the hurt and the pain weakened and I was able to function better I made a laughing joke one night to my husband. "Things can't possibly get any worse." That was the wrong thing to say. They can and they did. A few months later we lost everything again, this time even the jobs we had, our home, our animals, all of it. We moved in with my parents. We got on our feet again and bought us a trailer. A few weeks before it was ready to be moved to some land his parents owned Kevin got sick. He went into the hospital and I thought I was going to lose him for a few days. All because of a test malfunction. They had told me there was a blood clot on his lung. They shipped him to Paducah and kept him for over a week. Only to find out that the trouble he was having was from a condition known as sleep apnea. He had lost too much oxygen and it had nothing to do with any kind of blood clot. After that whole ordeal was over we did manage to move and unfortunately it only lasted a few short months until we were living with parents again, broke and lost it all.
For the past three years we were lucky until October. My husband has gained weight (for no reason, he is not a large eater), his sleep apnea is not any better, and his legs have started gaining so much fluid that his calves swell up twice their size and drains. He is currently trying to get disablity and hopefully we will know soon. However, this also means that the income we were use to is no longer there and its making things very hard. We are on the verge of losing everything one more time.
I know you are probably thinking why should you care. And your right you shouldn't . I just want you to see how hard life has been towards us. Because what has kept me breathing and kept me from crawling into that large hole we know as depression is one thing: no matter how bad you have it, there is someone some where who has had it worse. For me that person was my mother.
My mother is a kidney transplant patient. She has struggled from the time she was eight years old to stay alive. We have come close to losing her several times. She is my rock. No matter how bad things get for me I look at everything she has gone through, and while she might not have a lot to show for her life, you know no great accomplishments, she did manage one thing and that was to stay here and fight to have a life. Once I began thinking about her battle just to be hear and everything she does for everyone I knew I needed help. Therapy works wonders. I no longer look at suicide and think its my "get out of jail free card" anymore. I am thankful for everything I dont have. I am not obsessed with material things. I dont have new designer label purses, new clothes, a new house, or even a new car. The only thing I want for the rest of my life I have right now. My husband, my dogs, and my family. Now I would say friends, but friends never stick around when you need them. At least none of mine did. I am thankful that everyday I can come here and write to everyone and know that someone out there might share these things with me or just to know that someone out there likes to read what I have to say or right. This blog entry is a little out there for me, but I have my reasons for writing it. I almost lost someone last night who is fighting a battle that will never end and I thought I could use this time to help me get over what happened and reach out to everyone else so they can know, that no matter what happens there is beauty in every living thing. No matter how bad your life gets you can still break free from the chains it places on you. Nothing is worth giving up your life for. Notice the wind blowing through your hair. Notice the beauty in the songs birds sing. Most of all don't look at what life has taken away from you, just be happy and embrace what it is that you do have. Live each day to its fullest. When something brings you down figure out what makes you happy and be with that person or do that thing and get happy. Life is too precious to take for granted. God (what ever you concieve him to be) put you here for a reason. Find that reason and be proud that it was chosen for you. Be proud of who you are and know that you have the potential to have the most satisfying life there is. Enjoy every minute you have to walk this earth and love every person even your enemies. There is a reason for everything. Find yours and fullfill it. Just strive to be happy.