Letting Go (Short Story)

Letting Go
By Mandy Ray Maples
It seemed just like every other Saturday to me. Fatigue still coveted my body and my muscles ached from the uncomfortable motel mattress. I rise up and sit on the edge of the bed. Stretching, I glance over at the man beside me sleeping. Who was he? I worry briefly about his name, but dismiss it since it was not important. I get up and creep about around the room gathering last night’s clothes before heading to the bathroom.
Once inside I look at the walls and feel an instant distaste in the décor. The room was decorated in dingy cream colors. It seemed like all motels were the same. I place the clothes on the sink, and then I reach to turn on the shower. Stepping under the warm cascade of water my muscles begin to loosen. I scold myself silently. Another man, another motel; how do I get myself in to these situations? A small, throbbing pain in my temples reminds me of the drinks from the night before. Too many memories always led to too many drinks. Last night was special; it was mine and Caleb’s anniversary. Or at least it would have been. Unfortunately, God had been unkind in taking him so quickly from me. There weren’t a lot of memories made in that year and a half we were together. Besides I felt them slipping away. It seemed weekends were the hardest. During the week I manage to work a lot, and don’t have the time to think about Caleb near as much. On weekends is when I have no one to talk to and nothing to do. So I begin trying to remember what he looked like, how he acted, things he would say…I just want to remember him and feel him with me again. I want him to hold me close and say things to make me blush. I want to look into them eyes. My God he had beautiful eyes. They were blue, pale blue like the sky on a clear afternoon. I shake my head to clear the thoughts but as the water fell upon my body so did the tears.
I didn’t want a relationship with anyone else, only Caleb. However, the nights were too lonely to handle. Clearing my thoughts and not wanting to wait any longer to leave I shut the water off. After drying off I took a moment to stare at my reflection in the mirror. I was still young, thirty to be exact. My blonde hair, when wet, fell well past my shoulders. Not until it started to dry did the ringlets form making me seem more like a Shirley Temple doll. My figure was average and my skin still smooth. However, the dark circles under my eyes made me look older than what I was.
After getting dressed, I go back into the room where my stranger was still asleep. I sit down on the edge of the bed and pull my shoes on. The room was chilly and I was happy that I had managed to wear something warm to the bar the night before. Pulling my hair back into a ponytail I made my way to the door. Once I was out in the hall I realized we were at a local motel that was only two blocks from my house. To the right was the hotel lobby and to my left was the side door. Being closer to the side door I rush to it. Walking as fast as I could to get out of there before someone seen me. That and I am too chicken to face the consequences of my actions and risk running into the sleeping stranger if closing the door had happen to wake him up.
As I push the side door open the cool October air hits me in the face and sending a chill through my body. It was odd how the weather seemed to be for this time of year. In this area of western Kentucky October was usually warm during the day and cool at night. However, at this rate I am almost certain that we will have a snow before long. It snowed on Halloween the year Caleb and I got married. It was unusually cold then too. I fight tears back as I cross the parking lot of the motel and head towards the road. Sidewalks were already covered with the beauty of fall colors provided by the fallen leaves. Deep rich hues of yellows and reds stood out while everything else began to look bleak. A horn blows in the distance. I jump afraid someone seen me coming from the motel. It isn’t long till I pass the gas station and see Caleb’s father sitting in the window reading the newspaper. He didn’t see me and I was thankful. I didn’t want to run into him on my way home after sleeping with a stranger. A stranger I was only using to replace his dead son.
A few minutes later I turn left at the corner of Cherry and Poplar. Not wanting to go home just yet I decide to visit my mother. I was only about half way down the street when I seen my mother outside in her robe talking with Ethel Stevens, the older lady that lived next door to them. As I get closer I capture their attention. Ethel waves and turn towards her house. Mom just stands there with her arms folded. When I get within hearing range she decides to speak. “Where have you been?” Question number one. I guess I should keep count to make sure she gets in her twenty questions.
“I have just been walking around.” I say in my defense. However, I know she is not stupid.
“Which motel are you coming from this morning?” That’s number two.
“Mom, don’t start on me.” I say rolling my eyes.
“Julie, what are you doing? It’s been two years. When are you going to stop doing what you are doing?” I look around and ignore the questions.
“Do we have to do this out here mom?” I ask feeling as though all the neighbors were staring out their windows at me and whispering. My mother stares at me for a moment and shakes her head and turns towards the house. I follow her up the steps onto the screened in front porch. She takes her usual seat on the swing and I take mine in the wooden glider my father made her for their tenth anniversary.
“Julie I am worried sick about you. This isn’t healthy. I know what you are doing. Aren’t you afraid of getting some disease? Getting Pregnant? Do you know anything about these men you are picking up?” She starts with her lecture, her voice raised slightly. “I know you don’t think people see you but they do. When I called you at eleven last night and got no answer I called Hannah. Do you remember Hannah? Your best friend for years, she said she hadn’t talked to you in over three months. She told me about the bar, which I already knew about. She knew what you were out doing, you have got problems. Julie you need some help sweetie. Hannah knew exactly where you were. Her brother Jeremy has been coming home telling everyone about how you act at the bar. Do you even know their names when you go back to the motel with them? Do you remember waking up next to Jeremy last month? He said you were gone before he got up. That you both had stayed the night at the Brinkley Inn over on second, he said you called him Caleb all night. Hannah is furious with both of you.”
She was up to ten questions now. Which made me happy, it meant my visit and lecture would end soon. “I’m a grown woman, mother. Don’t worry about me.”
“Do not talk to me like I am a moron. Julie you need to stop it now. Do you know what you are doing to your reputation? Don’t you care what others think about you? Or what they say about you behind your back?”
“NO I DON’T CARE!” I shout at her. “I don’t give a shit about anyone’s opinion. I don’t care what they say behind my back, and I don’t give a damn if I get some sort of disease. I don’t care about anything anymore. All I want and all I have wanted for the past two years is Caleb. I want Caleb. I want the life I had with him. Now I came here to spend a pleasant morning with you but you seem to be hell-bent on making that impossible.” I stand up and stomp to the doorway of the porch.
“Julie, don’t you walk away from here mad.” My mother ordered. “I am not done talking to you. We are going to talk about this till I am satisfied.”
I turn around too pissed off to think straight and I glare at her. “You have seven more to go. Do it quick.” I say then smirk. “You’ve asked thirteen questions so far, so finish up with your final seven.”
There is a long pause. “It’s not healthy to play with fire Julie. You will get burned.” My mother finally said. “I am worried about you. Why do you do it? Why do you find it necessary to wake up in another man’s bed?” I stare at her. Sometimes when I look at her I think we could pass for twins. She was still young too. Almost fifty years old and had the same golden locks I had. I want her to mind her own business.
“I am leaving now, mother. You have asked me fifteen questions. That’s more than enough. No more questions. Do you understand me? No more questions. This is my life, my mistakes, my way of getting over him.”
“You’re not getting over him. You’re hanging on to him. I want to help you. Your father and I want to get you some help.” Her interruption only made me angrier.
“I don’t want your help. If you don’t like the way I am living my life then don’t be part of it. I am tired of hearing about it. I am tired of all your lectures and calling around checking on me. I have to wake up in another mans bed, because I don’t want to wake up in mine and Caleb’s alone. I am sorry you don’t understand that, but there is nothing I can or want to do about it. Goodbye!” With that I walked off the porch and down the street in the direction of my house. I heard her call after me but I ignored it.
The rest of the way home I didn’t notice anything about the neighborhood, I didn’t notice the cool air, or the passing neighbors who said good morning. All I could think about was the past memories of all the men I had used. There had been so many. Some had Caleb’s smile, other’s had his dark features, but most of them had those same blue eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes with the lines that fanned out around them as he smiled. The ones that made you melt with on look.
When I got home I locked the door behind me and went straight to the bedroom. Only stopping briefly to fix myself a drink, straight vodka was my choice this morning. When I reached the bedroom, I took the shoebox out from underneath my bed. It was what I kept all of his pictures and wedding ring in. Taking the rings from the small envelope I slipped them on my finger. The cool medal slid down easily. They were looser than I remembered. I began to cry again. I cried all the time. I hadn’t smiled once since I lost him. I don’t think I could smile even if I tried. Before looking at the pictures I retrieve the bottle of nerve pills prescribed by the doctor. I don’t remember how many to take. The bottles label had long since worn off. Filling my hand full of the small white pills I take them, washing them down with the vodka. If it’s too many it didn’t matter. Whatever got me closer to Caleb was the best thing to do. Taking the few pictures I had of him out of the box I begin to stare at him. His smile and how handsome he was. Oh god then there was his eyes. I hold the picture closer to me. I look at his beautiful blue…green eyes. His eyes were green. Why hadn’t I noticed it before? They were green with flickers of brown in them. What happened to the beautiful blue ones I remembered?
After several minutes of staring at the picture I lay it down beside me. I yawn, the pills are working. I secretly hope that I will not wake up from all of this. I had managed to lose my husband and now disowned my family. I had no one. I lie down on the soft mattress and hug the pillow. I prop his picture up and stared at it. I can’t believe I always thought his eyes were blue. I should have known they were green. Then the longer I watch the picture the more I realize I don’t remember anything about him, only about the men between that time in my life and now. Did I ever really remember anything about him? How could I forget him so easily? I yawn; I can’t believe he didn’t even have blue eyes. Suddenly I couldn’t think about him. My body felt lifeless and wary. I was relaxed and stayed that way till everything fell into the darkness. A darkness I would never find my way out of. I know that when I take my last breath I will be with him again. I have to believe it. It has to be true, because I was slipping. Slipping away into the darkness, into the world of the unknown, it was the only way I knew how to be with him again.